All the ways in which I have lived against my true nature, and 'logos' began to pop into my mind at one point. I had racked up my share of regrets, shame ~ and debt ~ from having not trusted myself.
While I thought I had worked through my past baggage, I realized some residual, sticky layers lingered ~ reminding me of the consequences of having made decisions counter to what I felt was best for me. I paid a price for not trusting my instincts, and I'm ready for that debt to be paid in full!
This is all on the heels of a years-long journey down into rabbit holes that never end. What began as a quest to learn more about my ancestry led to a need, a strong need to better understand historical events, and why things seemed so upside down in our modern day.
More recently, we stumbled upon E. Michael Jones, who has been interviewed on several different YouTube channels, one of which I show below. He is writing a book about Logos, and discusses world events in terms of Logos ~ more appropriately, the ways in which certain groups or agendas are continually pushing lifestyles and conditions that are counter to Logos, or the Natural Order / Natural Law of the Universe.
Don and I had already realized how much we went against our true nature while following a plant-based diet, witnessed by our declining moods, vitality, and health.
Nature is the ultimate Justice. We thrive when we live in harmony with Logos. We experience discord and disharmony when we don't.
This is not about dogma or ideology. It's the rules of our cosmic operating system and Nature. E. Michael Jones also refers to Logos as synonymous with Jesus, something I find interesting.
During my profound heart awakening in May, I felt a sudden overwhelming pressure in my chest, like my heart was trying to crack open. I became obsessed with learning more about the origins and history of the Bible, which was new for me.
After this heart opening, new 'things' popped into my awareness.
I stumbled onto a video of Doreen Virtue's experience of seeing Jesus back in 2017 while at a New Thought church, and subsequently repenting, and getting born again. She completely gave up all she had previously published, including all of her Angel oracle decks. She literally tossed out bags full of items accumulated over the years related to the 'New Age' movement ~ things that scripture declared blasphemous and idolatry.
I read this after having already listed the decks I still had of hers on eBay! I was feeling done with them, and done with much of the New Age nonsense that I hear parroted among many YouTubers these days. Discussions about ascension, New Earth, 5D reality, aliens and star beings tends to shut me down. Whether these people know something I don't or not is irrelevant. It's just too impractical and out there for me personally.
Doreen Virtue expresses in her free e-book, The Joy of Jesus, that she had felt a void in her life that no amount of success seemed to fill. Jesus or God was too far away and impersonal to her. I found it very interesting. I believe many people seem to be experiencing a similar void, attempting to fill it up with all the wrong 'things.'
I watched several of her more recent videos, including one that explains simply what it means to repent, and interviews of those that left the New Age movement, and 'found Jesus.' I watched a few videos of those who had near death experiences, and met either Jesus or Mary or were taken to hell.
A quick preface here. I was raised atheist, despite my father's mother being very religious, and his brother being a minister. I fell into the New Age movement after college, during the 1980s as I attempted to heal and better navigate the challenges of my life. I was a seeker, through and through, ironically on a mission to discover my mission in life!
Meanwhile, the heart awakening sensation led me to do my own from of repenting ~ via journaling.
I wrote and wrote, pouring out through my written word all that came to mind of my past experiences for which I still held shame, regrets, or remorse. I prayed to release it, to be forgiven, to forgive myself, all while profusely crying.
This would happen one more time, about one week later.
The second time, I prayed to heal my sorrow and anger at never having had a healthy, loving, and supportive father-daughter relationship. This caused me to do many things that I had regretted, no doubt because of a strong subconscious need to be validated and approved of.
On Memorial Day, 2019, Don and I sat by the beautiful flower gardens and water fountains at the Old Town Scottsdale Civic Center. With his support, I again prayed and wailed, asking to heal my relationship with my dad, and bigger, with God!
I realized that what still remained unhealed within me was my relationship with my true Father ~ God!
Until this point, I believed in a higher intelligence, but I still had old New Age terms running amuck in my brain. The 'Universe' was God ~ as per many of the teachings of the Laws of Manifestation. Just think positive, and vibe your desires into existence. The Universe handles the details.
I was not even comfortable using the term God, or Jesus, because of the old prejudices I still carried about the ultra religious believers and the dogmatic teachings of the church. Mind you, I had never read the Bible, nor attended church. The prejudices related to wide spread stereotypes, legitimate or not. The problem with stereotyping is how easily it can enable us to dismiss an entire teaching, throwing out the baby lamb and the baptismal bath water.
After my first experience of my chest or heart area breaking open, and praying, crying, and repenting, I had a dear friend, and a couple sweet women neighbors who all were ecstatic. I spilled open my heart, and shared my newly vulnerable and inexplicable experience. They prayed for me to let Jesus in and to be saved.
It was an incredible few days.
The day after my first journaled repenting experience, I felt at least 70% of what I was feeling of shame and regret lift. Prior, it felt murky and heavy.
Two days later, I felt it all lift. I felt so light and at peace. It was amazing. I was filled with gratitude and joy.
I sang as I walked through the field.
I mean, I was still aware of these past experiences that I felt ashamed about, yet it was as if I had to think hard to fully remember what it was that even bothered me. I was aware, but it was so far removed from my reality, it was a miracle. I no longer felt it holding sway and weighing down my body, mind, and psyche.
The blissful state of peace lasted a few more days, then began to fade a bit.
After my Memorial Day experience, I felt as if more weight lifted.
I never had a positive experience of 'Father' and for the first time ever, I felt fully loved and adored, and totally supported by my True Father and Creator. God. I thought I would go to my grave with the bitter sweet sadness of not having a better father - daughter relationship.
I found myself driving and singing praises of being 'My Father's Daughter' followed by many affirmations ~ whatever flowed into my heart and out my voice. Like "I Am my Father's daughter, and I'm so grateful He created me (OR) provides for me / believes in me / shares His Love with me...etc.
This was the healing I needed to transform my lifelong subconscious feelings of not being valued, or worthy.
Feeling unworthy and seeking approval from outside sources is like poison to us. It drives our thoughts and behaviors, perpetuating experiences of 'not feeling validated' triggering us until we finally heal it at the root.
How can we feel unworthy when we are created in His image and likeness? To not feel worthy is an insult to He who created us.
I share my experience in the video below.
As a result of this, I ordered several new books. I began, as per a recommendation by Doreen Virtue, to read The One Year Bible NLT. It seemed like a good way to tackle the seeming daunting task of reading the Bible.
I must say, it is quite intriguing! God's scorn, a fall from Paradise, and a massive flood, followed by incest, polygamy, one man's willingness to burn his own son as a sacrifice, more power struggles, jealousy, sinning, and the spread of nations ~ 'brother against brother.'
Needless to say, I have questions. Many questions!
Questions Questions Questions
So I will be exploring these questions in my future posts, here and possibly on my YT channel, along with input from Don.
You see, I get God as my Father. I have a hunch that we all crave ~ especially women ~ to be unconditionally loved, guided, supported, and protected, as the Divine Masculine archetype is intended to provide. Healing our relationship with God can help us get aligned and heal our lives ~ something that I am focusing on through my Strong Spirit Path (or Strong Spirit Woman) website.
But, I still have questions. I have questions that I know will piss off one audience or another. Of course since this blog is still in it's infant stages, I may escape much potential persecution for putting my questions and concerns out there ~ just due to a small reach.
However, God knows my truth seeking soul. I can not undo that. It is my nature. I know my heart can not accept what does not feel right, without discovering first hand what is or what isn't.
I am open to what I learn and experience through this process.
While Christians hold much scorn for 'pagans' I believe the use of the word has been weaponized, and an understanding of what the Pre-Christian Europeans, and Native populations from around the world once practiced has been greatly distorted.
My desire is to better understand the teachings of the scripture, and the words of Jesus while also taking into account what came before, without immediately dismissing or disparaging what can be known about Pre-Christian spiritual teachings.
There are many who question if Jesus existed. There are plenty of sources that cast doubts.
I believe our pre-Christian 'pagans' are being conflated with modern Satanists, and Wiccan practices which bare little resemblance to our early traditions, thus giving it all a bad rap. Yet there are massive stone circles, mounds, cave paintings, ruins, mythology, poems, and stories that have been handed down helping us to at least acknowledge that our ancestors had traditions that they held sacred.
In truth, much of Catholicism has its roots in our own pre-Christian pagan spiritual teachings and practices. There has been much obfuscation, and distortion of that history which my heart will not allow me to ignore. Our current culture casts off our European ancestors as the scourge of all existence, responsible for the vast majority of wars, death, enslavement, and genocide. This is patently false, and intentionally distorted.
All cultures world wide are rooted in earth-based spirituality, and shamanism in various forms. If I go by the teachings in the scriptures, then I would have to discount, dismiss, question, or even repent many of my own spiritual experiences, including the energy healing work I do for others, as this is all considered taboo. While I am open to understanding the Christian point of view, I must discover what I am guided directly to believe.
So, as I read the One Year Bible, I'll pass on what I learn. My thought, should there be interest, is to share my interpretation, and the subsequent questions that arise.
I also would like to have Don help me to contrast what the Bible teaches with what is taught in other traditions, along with a discussion of Natural Law, and what living in alignment with logos means for us, for you, for all.
Interested? Join me. Leave a comment and let me know what you think!
This could be fun, or at least very interesting!