Overcoming a Lifetime of Feeling Attacked, Disempowered, and Hyper Concerned for the Opinions of Others
To whomever may be still reading my blog, I believe it's confession time.
When I feel overwhelmed, I withdraw. I hide in my Cancer Moon shell.
I have a history of hiding. And a history I have felt I needed to hide.
I have a 'story' of feeling thrown sideways, and feeling my light nearly go out. I often felt at the breaking point, ready to give up. Life felt like such a struggle, and I was feeling so impotent to be a contributor in any positive manner, that my heart broke.
Over and over again.
Layers and layers of unhealed emotions. Disappointments. Slights. Attacks to my power. Being dismissed. Being robbed. Being violated, manipulated, and continually told I was "too ________" ~ fill in the blank. Too serious, too intense, too sensitive, and so on.
|Fresh from the beauty salon. It's been a full year since my last visit!|
I was so incredibly impacted and affected by the opinions of others.
I was shy, introverted, and more sensitive than most. These were seemingly not useful skills. In fact, they felt like a detriment. I felt continually without a source of protection. I didn't have a tribe. I felt very alienated, and alone with my dark thoughts.
I used to bang my head against the wall trying to alleviate the pain of my internal turmoil.
I often have great fear of expressing my deepest Truths.
I fear my personal reflections being greatly misconstrued, as only I know the pureness of my tattered, weary heart. Only I know the archetypal child-like innocence and curiosity that I still possess that causes me to go so deep, and question things. Not to just immediately condemn, dismiss, or rage against an opinion or belief, but to look at it from multiple angles. I can often see a higher perspective, and understand ~ even if I don't fully agree ~ with opposing sides. I can understand the etiology of one's beliefs, even if it is born of misconceptions ~ as mine also were.
I believe this is called having empathy and compassion. Being able to put oneself into another's shoes. See things from his or her perspective. Isn't this what people want more of in life?
These days, the social etiquettes have changed. Actually, I should say, "what etiquette?" It's long been abandoned. People attack others quite readily and viciously. The baby is continually thrown out with the bath water. If one has the 'wrong opinion' or 'wrong diet' they are mocked, ridiculed, labeled, shamed, and made wrong, despite being able to logically and dispassionately share their reasoning. And back up their claims with actual data, or patterns that have been observed over time. Or, despite having a right to choose or think differently without defense!
Those doing the most attacking are doing so from a very highly charged emotional state. There seems to be little logic, reasoning, or sound data supporting their demands or attacks. They just scream and call people names, slinging labels around like wet mud flying off of the blades of a fast spinning fan. It often seems as if there is a contest for who can claim the title for most disenfranchised victim. Whatever happened to taking personal responsibility for ones' actions and the consequences of those actions?
No matter how much I have been victimized, I always look at how I attracted the apparently bad episodes into my life. I have gone through a lot of crap, but it's all on me to work it out. It's all on me to choose how to respond.
|Calling all power back!|
I have been quite blessed to have had the chance encounter with the women who is helping me through her various readings, and the exercises or rituals she has been giving me to work on in accord with the current astrological transits. These meditations and rituals are using the energy of these transits to help me to make some needed changes.
One main theme in my life has been issues of power. Gaining, then losing it again. Continually needing to work to maintain a baseline, often feeling a bit incapacitated to do much else.
This astrologer, Claire, sees as I felt that I was also being attacked, and has helped me to better understand the source of these attacks and what to do about it.
According to the Sun in Cancer recent report, she writes:
It is important to note here that protecting and secluding yourself does not mean hiding, it is just about being cautious. It does not mean to push people away, or fear being hurt or ridiculed, not at all! It is about learning the balance of extroversion and introversion in the right circumstances, and not masking your true self out of angst that taking certain risks will put your life in peril and that failure shall ensue....This transit is also telling me that you need to build stronger connections with your own intuition, and listening to your Inner Voice to reject the negative or hurtful judgments and opinions of others. This is a recurring theme in your life my dear, and one that we must continuously work on, because as you progress, you must also leave these toxic influences behind and keep them there!
Indeed. I plan to.
She has provided archetype cards (electronically) for me to pick to better understand my personal truths, and the energy of an influential person (or persons) in my life that participated in holding me back, and why.
She also has given me visualizations to help with certain chakras. She explained how my thoughts are not being fully released and appropriately expressed, and thus I am not expressing my Inner Truth. I am resisting due to my worry of being too confrontational. And of course, I tended to hide in my shell to avoid conflict. There was so much conflict in my early life, that I began to recoil from it.
Yet, there have been so many things that have been going on in the world stage that are making me feel very frustrated and angered, as the Truth of what is happening is continually buried. Being empathic, I feel the pain of the tragic and endless losses endured over the last couple centuries. Losses that are hardly acknowledged, and by far more tragic than those that are ~ in numbers and in scope. The events leading to these losses are still influencing events to this day, and hence my inability to shake what I know, while fearing expressing it. Others have, and have faced persecution, or have been imprisoned, so my fears are at least somewhat real and valid.
According to what Claire wrote in the reading, "The funny thing is my dear, that once you do allow yourself to be honest without fear, you will no longer have to mask who you really are, and then you shall see real changes and rewards in your life, just for being who you essentially are."
|A work of art, and a favorite Saturday morning treat! Life is to be enjoyed.|
The other night, after reading the first half of this recent reading, I was blessed by many visitors. I lied in bed watching the incredible display of ethereal lights swirling about. I believed the energies to be fairies, in part. But there was a variety of shapes and sizes. Some had wings that spread open, and appeared like small winged animals. They were playful, warm and fuzzy feeling, and my own inner child didn't want them to leave. I felt like a kid mesmerized by a hanging chime filled with colorful creatures flying about in the breeze. I held my hand up and watched as my fingers would momentarily disappear, then reappear, as ripples of energies streamed across them. I felt their warmth, and feather soft touch.
I was brought to tears. I 'knew' in my mind that they were a blessing sent my way. I felt very reassured. And 'Claire' popped into my mind, the women helping me whom I have never actually met in person.
The next day, I read that indeed, she did send a blessing! It was written at the end of the reading, given as an extra special gift.
I am a work in progress. Aren't we all!
I feel the shifts, and at times, I still sense this old stuff clinging to me, invading my mind and my peace. It takes will and dedication to stay in our hearts, and not get over run by the anxiety and stress, or fears. In one moment, I may experience a spontaneous joy and bliss, enraptured by Nature and the present moment. Other times, I feel pretty flat lined. That is when I withdraw. Hopefully, the later is soon a thing of the past!
I've resisted sharing so much, as I have feared the consequences, just as she said. Being empathic and sensitive, I imagine the responses before they happen. Even if things don't go that way, I have had such a track record, that it's not about what I logically think. It's about what is still wired into my energy field and nervous system. Hence why it takes time and why doing these various holistic exercises that can create change on multiple levels, not just mentally, but emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I will end this post with a poem she included. I hope she wouldn't mind that I am reprinting it here. I would include her blessing of protection, as it is quite beautiful, but I feel remiss doing so without being able to ask her permission, so I won't.
May this poem be of value to all whom read it!
This life is a gift
Of woes and rewards
If I fear the darkness
It shall swallow me whole
I must embrace the fear
Let Truth be my guide
To uncover my true colors
And no longer hide
May we all be blessed at this time! Thank you for continuing on my journey to Living My TRUE NATURE!
There is more to come. Some may disagree with all or parts of what I begin to share. I hope we can dialogue, rather than just shut down, or immediately turn against one another. However, if one is to do so, than so be it. I don't need those types of people in my life.
Instead, I hope what I share has value. I hope it offers a different perspective to many dominant narratives being recycled over and over, some of which I find down right tiring.
I hope we can learn and grow from each other, as we each will have a different perspective, based on our own issues, lessons, and upbringing.
Continuing to shut down discourse, with labels and screams is so counter productive. I believe the change needed begins with each of us choosing to no longer participate, and reflecting on our own unhealed, unexamined parts, including those 'dark' aspects of ourselves we desperately try to hide. We all have both the light and the dark. Some dwell more in one than the other.
The dark has a powerful, magnetic pull. It is far easier to be slovenly, lazy, over indulgent and hedonistic. Our songs tell us that "only the good die young." The messages are every where. We are continually lured into the dark activities, which are ever more perverse. When we refuse, we are labeled intolerant, or stuck in time. Even if these very activities have repeatedly been the hallmark for the decline of civilizations.
The Light of Truth can shine upon the shadows of darkness. The rewards in the end are far worth it. Living in integrity to Who You Are, and being accountable for your actions is the path to being sovereign.
Time now for me to show more of Who I Am as well. May my True and Real Colors Shine, and may yours as well!